The Fairy Tale Is Over

THE END

What a weird way to start off  the conversation.

Do I say it is over...it's gone...???

This is how I am feeling.

So empty...yet I knew it was going to happen someday.

Let me back track ...that would help huh.

I was adopted in life.

I was raised by two really great parents...whom are still alive.

They wanted and loved me very much.

My mom was able to have two girls after they adopted me.

I have always been the oldest girl cousin and the oldest sister.

I have always known about being adopted...just no details until I was 18

and even then they were fuzzy details. I did find out that I had a 1/2 sister

who was 2 yrs older than me...and my birth mom had blond hair.

That is all I had until 4 years ago.

We found "Them"

I say We because my husband has sheltered

and protected me while he was doing the looking.

We talked briefly on the phone to my 1/2 sister.

She said so much made sense....she remembered whispering's

of the girl in Texas from her grandmother.

She called her brother and explained to him and then I called him.

Keith has been taking care of my birth mother for 5 years.

Long story short...I was accepted as a Sister

to Diane, Keith and Jeff

no 1/2's were ever mentioned ...just sis and sister.

I have made 2 trips out there in the beginning.

My Birth Mother...would not say if I was or was not hers.

She also has some mental problems due to a sickness

yet I knew she knew me. I saw the recognition of my looks to

whomever my Birth father was.She quit denying it...and that is all she would say.

Nothing....no names details....nothing.

When put on the phone...she would talk of the weather,

food she had eaten that day.Never anything personable.

But she is this way to everyone.She lived deep in the past

in a make believe world. So sad for her children to see her like this.

She doesn't even know how many grandchildren she has.

 4 from Diane

2 from Jeff
and 5 from me.
Great grandchildren....8 from Diane and 11 from me.

As a child I was so different looking with my olive skin and dark hair.

I had made up in my little brain this other mother.

I knew I looked like her.Wrong we look nothing alike.

As a child I knew someday she would find me

and she would tell me why she gave me up.

Wrong again...She never even looked...I was the big secret in the family.

Her mom and sister new about me.

They are gone now....no info there.

And the gave me up part was because she was married

and I was not her husbands.

Now if you knew me ...you would know I am a detailed person.

I want to know all about you and what makes you tick.

This is how I have been about getting info on my past.

Yet I would never hurt any one's feelings...or dig so deep to ruin lives.

That is not who I am.So I have waited...and waited.

I was 50 when I found them.So many years gone.

I truly believe me finding her earlier would of prevented some of

her mental anguish thru the years. It just wasn't meant to be.

This past week she has been at death's door.

I have prayed and prayed and cried.

So sorry for her family there to be dealing with this.

Frustrated because...again...I am not able to be where I want to be.

They are in Portland Oregon area.

The over part...

well the Question book that has been in my head for all these years

it has closed.There will be no endearing words spoken from her to me.

No questions answered about her childhood...her relatives...her likes and dislikes

her dreams...her favorite books...her favorite music...

Did she love me when I was in her womb?

Did she think about me at all thru the years?

Did she regret giving me up?

Questions that will never be answered.

for you see

She passed away today.

The wall in my heart just crumbled to a million pieces

This woman whom I had thanked several times for giving me life

was now gone.
She shared I love you's with me over the phone
this past week...and I told her Jesus loved her.

The little girl in me cries.

The woman in me...understands

I have forgiven, I have accepted.

Yet it still hurts!

God will hold me again...and comfort me as He always does.

It was His timing that I found them...It was His hand who led us to them.

It was His graciousness that gave me life

and a family who raised me in a Christian home.

I love my family with all my heart!

And I praise God for being theirs.

But that little girl is still there also

she is hurting...and crying deep down

she knows when the fairy tale is over...

it says...

The End

I would appreciate prayers for her children

Diane, Keith, Jeff

And me her daughter

Cindy